Evening Hosts Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan

Television's top hosts used their broadcast criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's newly announced visa initiative, labeled the "Trump card," characterizing it as a obvious pay-for-access arrangement for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Take

Opening his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a mock holiday jingle directed at the president. "He is making a list, reviewing it twice, before handing that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "Trump ... ruins everything he comes into contact with."

The focus was the controversial program that permits foreign individuals to buy U.S. residency for the price of a million dollars, or "platinum" tier for five million. A government website guarantees processing "in record time."

"One note for you to wealthy immigrants: before you pay, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He noted that the card is also meant to "extract cash" from firms wanting to hire skilled workers, involving hefty fees. "That is a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you also get two free nights at a hotel of your choice – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he added.

"The best vetting the U.S. government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to verify these people truly qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow rich overseas citizens to live here," he explained. "For a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."

"Maybe it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Concerns

On another network, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's plunging poll numbers amid financial anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were mad about the economy," he said.

This week, in a attempt to tackle prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a array of grocery items, and reacted peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"He's so extremely weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative media coverage of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he remarked.