Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Habit

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.