Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.